I-I-I Editing First Person
Do you want to edit your writing so that it uses reader-centered style?
Are you writing a cover letter to accompany a resume? Are you writing some other type of text that needs to convince readers that you qualify for an opportunity that they offer? Then you should be concerned that your writing is reader-centered, not self-centered. Although writers find it difficult to compose reader-centered text when they are trying to convey information about themselves, experienced writers know how to identify the I-I-I problem of self-centered writing and revise their texts. The following three sections offer suggestions to help solve the I-I-I problem.
Please note that an I-you balance may not solve the problem of self-centered writing, but the process of seeking balance provides writers with a reflective opportunity to revise in order to meet their reader-centered goal.
Please note that an I-you balance may not solve the problem of self-centered writing, but the process of seeking balance provides writers with a reflective opportunity to revise in order to meet their reader-centered goal.
#1 Decide if a problem exists: Does the text have an I-I-I problem?
METHOD 1
Step 1. Circle all the self-centered words (I, me, my, mine, etc.) in your text (or use red to highlight them), count these words, and write the total on the page.
Step 2. Draw a square around all the reader-centered words (you, yours, name of audience, name of opportunity) in your text (or use green to highlight them), count these words, and write the total on the page.
Step 3. Put these totals in a ratio. Are they roughly equal? If not and if the self-centered words greatly outweigh the reader-centered words, the text has an I-I-I problem.
METHOD 2
Step 1. Visually inspect the first words of each paragraph and each sentence.
Step 2: Ask yourself, Do the paragraphs begin with self-centered words? Do the sentences mostly begin with self-centered words?
Step 3. Conclude, if the paragraphs and sentences begin with self-centered words, that the subject of the text is yourself, not the reader.
METHOD 3
Step 1. Read your text aloud so that you heavily emphasize any self-centered words such as I, me, my, and mine.
Step 2. Conclude that your text has an I-I-I problem if you feel that you joined the Navy (aye-aye) while reading aloud.
Step 1. Circle all the self-centered words (I, me, my, mine, etc.) in your text (or use red to highlight them), count these words, and write the total on the page.
Step 2. Draw a square around all the reader-centered words (you, yours, name of audience, name of opportunity) in your text (or use green to highlight them), count these words, and write the total on the page.
Step 3. Put these totals in a ratio. Are they roughly equal? If not and if the self-centered words greatly outweigh the reader-centered words, the text has an I-I-I problem.
METHOD 2
Step 1. Visually inspect the first words of each paragraph and each sentence.
Step 2: Ask yourself, Do the paragraphs begin with self-centered words? Do the sentences mostly begin with self-centered words?
Step 3. Conclude, if the paragraphs and sentences begin with self-centered words, that the subject of the text is yourself, not the reader.
METHOD 3
Step 1. Read your text aloud so that you heavily emphasize any self-centered words such as I, me, my, and mine.
Step 2. Conclude that your text has an I-I-I problem if you feel that you joined the Navy (aye-aye) while reading aloud.
#2 Select an appropriate fix: Ways to fix an I-I-I problem!
FIX 1
Change sentence subject from self to reader.
Example
Self-centered cover letter opening:
I read about your opening for an entry level biologist on your web site. I enclose my resume, and I am applying for this position. [Ratio 4:2, bad]
Reader-centered revision:
Please [notice the implied sentence subject, you] accept the enclosed resume as my application for the entry level biologist position you advertised on your web site. [Ratio 1:3, good]
FIX 2 Change topics from self-centered to reader-centered.
For example, change the topic from what the reader can do for you to what you can do for the reader, from what you want to what the reader wants, or from what you are doing to what the readers want to know about your plans.
Example A
Self-centered cover letter mid body paragraph (for a summer intern position)
I also think that this type of experience will be very beneficial to me in the future. I am currently working on my Bachelors Degree in Psychology with a minor in Family Studies at [name of school omitted]. Once I have this degree, I plan on attending [name of school omitted] to pursue my education in Psychology. I have been anticipating an opportunity like this one that combines my current knowledge with actual hands-on experience in Counseling Psychology. [Ratio 8:0, very bad] N1
Reader-centered revision
As sponsors of juvenile court internships, you want to know that this opportunity you are making available will benefit students serious about counseling careers, so you may be interested in my educational plans: to complete a Bachelor of Science in Psychology with a minor in Family studies at [name of school omitted] and to pursue a Master's degree in Psychology at [name of school omitted]. If you accept me for your internship, please [implied you] be assured that I will devote myself to obtaining the maximum benefit of the chance to combine university training with hands-on experience. [Ratio 4:7, good]
Example
Self-centered cover letter opening:
I read about your opening for an entry level biologist on your web site. I enclose my resume, and I am applying for this position. [Ratio 4:2, bad]
Reader-centered revision:
Please [notice the implied sentence subject, you] accept the enclosed resume as my application for the entry level biologist position you advertised on your web site. [Ratio 1:3, good]
FIX 2 Change topics from self-centered to reader-centered.
For example, change the topic from what the reader can do for you to what you can do for the reader, from what you want to what the reader wants, or from what you are doing to what the readers want to know about your plans.
Example A
Self-centered cover letter mid body paragraph (for a summer intern position)
I also think that this type of experience will be very beneficial to me in the future. I am currently working on my Bachelors Degree in Psychology with a minor in Family Studies at [name of school omitted]. Once I have this degree, I plan on attending [name of school omitted] to pursue my education in Psychology. I have been anticipating an opportunity like this one that combines my current knowledge with actual hands-on experience in Counseling Psychology. [Ratio 8:0, very bad] N1
Reader-centered revision
As sponsors of juvenile court internships, you want to know that this opportunity you are making available will benefit students serious about counseling careers, so you may be interested in my educational plans: to complete a Bachelor of Science in Psychology with a minor in Family studies at [name of school omitted] and to pursue a Master's degree in Psychology at [name of school omitted]. If you accept me for your internship, please [implied you] be assured that I will devote myself to obtaining the maximum benefit of the chance to combine university training with hands-on experience. [Ratio 4:7, good]
#3 Avoid making the problem worse: Be careful not to revise from self-centered to awkward or incorrect!
In an attempt to revise text from self- to reader-centered, writers sometimes write themselves into an awkward box that will produce as negative an effect on their readers as the self-centered writing would have done. You don't want your readers to laugh at you; better they think you are immature, eager, and not yet well developed as a writer.
SELF-CENTERED (I-I-I PROBLEM)
I am writing in response to the job that is posted on the Internet with monster.com for a quality technician. I believe my work experience in the food industry, and my undergraduate education, qualify me for this position. I am looking to relocate to New Hampshire in the near future; please [implied you] consider me for the position. [Ratio 7:2, bad] N2
AWKWARD REVISION (TO BE AVOIDED)
Your job for a quality technician, posted on the Internet on monster.com, attracted my attention. Work experience in the food industry and undergraduate education qualify me for this position. As someone hoping to relocate to New Hampshire in the near future, you are invited to consider me for the position. [Ratio 4:2, This has a better ratio, but the good ratio comes at the expense of awkward wording and a serious grammatical error—a dangling modifier—in the last sentence]
BALANCED REVISION
Please [implied you] consider me for the quality technician position you advertised on monster.com. The quality technician position requires experience and education that I obtained as a student of Health and Nutrition at [name of school omitted] and five years working in the food industry. You will find the details of my education and work experience on the enclosed resume. I will be available to start after my graduation in May 2012, when relocating to New Hampshire. [Ratio 5:4, This ratio is ok if the remainder of the letter provides an overall balanced ratio. This is better than the awkward revision.]
SELF-CENTERED (I-I-I PROBLEM)
I am writing in response to the job that is posted on the Internet with monster.com for a quality technician. I believe my work experience in the food industry, and my undergraduate education, qualify me for this position. I am looking to relocate to New Hampshire in the near future; please [implied you] consider me for the position. [Ratio 7:2, bad] N2
AWKWARD REVISION (TO BE AVOIDED)
Your job for a quality technician, posted on the Internet on monster.com, attracted my attention. Work experience in the food industry and undergraduate education qualify me for this position. As someone hoping to relocate to New Hampshire in the near future, you are invited to consider me for the position. [Ratio 4:2, This has a better ratio, but the good ratio comes at the expense of awkward wording and a serious grammatical error—a dangling modifier—in the last sentence]
BALANCED REVISION
Please [implied you] consider me for the quality technician position you advertised on monster.com. The quality technician position requires experience and education that I obtained as a student of Health and Nutrition at [name of school omitted] and five years working in the food industry. You will find the details of my education and work experience on the enclosed resume. I will be available to start after my graduation in May 2012, when relocating to New Hampshire. [Ratio 5:4, This ratio is ok if the remainder of the letter provides an overall balanced ratio. This is better than the awkward revision.]
Notes
N1, N2 Text comes from student drafts. Authors anonymous for privacy reasons.
Ida L. Rodgers. December 8, 2001. All Rights Reserved. Please notify me if you link to this page: Click Here
Updated November 21, 2012
Updated November 21, 2012